What's In A Name, JD?

Here at 'Bumpkin Watch' our investigative journalist team have uncovered the real reason why weirdy-trimmed-beardy JD Vance uses his initials rather than either of his actual forenames. At first we just assumed it was some kind of a hillbilly thing like being called Gomer, Cletus or Booger, but it actually turns out it's because his real name is even more shit than any of those.

Vance, whose parents were siblings, was actually christened Jebediah Doofus on August 3rd, 1984 by his mentally ill mother, Trixie-Bob, at the Middletown Confessional Calvinist Church, Ohio after she escaped from the local mental institute with the one day old nipper.

His father, Goober Charles Jnr (renowned crystal meth manufacturer and three time near miss KKK Grand Wizard) passed away eight months earlier in what has only been described in the local 'Middletown Gazette' as "a freak washing machine accident". According to sources, Goober, "was at the local laundromat" and "got his frayed neckerchief caught in the machine's drive belt during its spin cycle". Apparently he had been "raking for loose change through a removed rear panel".

Initially christened with the surname Bomen, his mother changed it to Reynolds when she married her sixth husband and uncle, Herschel Beauregard "Burt" Reynolds III.

Quite where he got the surname Vance from has remained a mystery for many years, however, having recently tracked down his old juvenile detention buddy Virgil Buford, we can confirm that he adopted it from the famous UK Radio One disc jockey and heavy metal enthusiast, Tommy Vance, whom JD had become enamoured with during his early years. Sources have disclosed that he used to tune in to his step father's portable shortwave radio every Friday night during Uncle Herschel's weekly weekend "fishing" trips, although Buford did remark that "the only fishing Ol' Burt ever got up to was for some well worn pussy."

"I can't believe he's got to where he is today," Buford added, "to start from such humble beginnings and end up third in command of the country under Elon is one hellava achievement."