Then she turned and picked up the shirt. Respectable again, she joined me on the bed: -
"I am no longer engaged. I sent Nils a letter and the ring on Wednesday. Are you shocked?"
Gertrud did not wait for my answer. She was triumphant, jubilant, bubbling over in excited relief. She told me how good it felt to be no longer engaged to Nils while she was with me. She did not want to go on cheating: Not herself, not Nils, and especially not me. She was no longer the woman that got engaged nine months ago. Yes, it was my fault. Not that she blamed me. She was now a much happier woman than she had ever been.
Gertrud turned to me and crawled into a close embrace. Pressing and rubbing her body against me, her mouth against the crook of my neck, she told me how good it felt to know that she could make me want her, that she was irresistible. She giggled: -
"I love it that my pussy is for you the most beautiful you have ever seen, kissed, and fucked. ... And your cock is the only one I want to kiss and suck. It's the only cock that fucks me the way I want, that can make me come!"
Demanding proof she reached down for my hardening cock. It had been a memorable night indeed. Then I suddenly realised that it was not my seductive wiles that had made it that. On this one night, Gertrud's uninhibited sexuality had affirmed and celebrated her liberation!
On kissing me Good Bye the next morning, she said: -
"We have another celebration coming up next time. Our new bed. Can't wait!"
Gertrud laughed out loud and skipped away like a naughty twelve-year-old. She had me at her sweet mercy.
During the week that followed, I did not see Gertrud at all. I was at night school three times a week. With the studying I had to do, I could not spare an evening.
I was still unsure whether Gertrud had really any long-term interest in me. Yes, she had ended her engagement to Nils. The news, however, had bubbled out after our night of wild, sexual reunion. What meaning could I assume? That she wanted me as her partner in Nils' place? Or was it that Gertrud, as a now sexually awakened women, gleefully boasted that she had freed herself from a sexually unsatisfying relationship? She had, after all, done it before.
As I said earlier, I had no illusions about my suitability as a partner for a woman like her. Even as a short-time boyfriend I had, besides our good sex too little to offer. I had to leave, therefore, the decision-making about our relationship with Gertrud. She knew, after all, everything about my circumstances.
On Saturday, mid-afternoon, Gertrud came to my bungalow with a string bag of food, and a huge parcel. The latter she placed behind the new sofa-bed and forbad me to touch it. She also resisted to be sexily embraced, and reprimanded me: -
"It's study-time. First work, then play!"
However, after an hour or so, Gertrud consented. We sat together and had our afternoon coffee and cake. Immediately after I was ordered back to my desk. Gertrud checked my homework, correcting the spelling mistakes in my English essay, and told me to work for one hour more.
With me organised, Gertrud retired to the kitchenette to prepare our evening meal. While all this was done in fun, she had obviously decided to domesticate our relationship. Although Gertrud was not the housewifely type, this time she enjoyed playing the part.
The meal she prepared was simple; not much more elaborate than what I would have offered. In setting the table, though, she again assumed the role of a proper home-maker, criticising the non-festive utilitarianism of my cutlery, plates, and glasses. She informed me that my household needed to be put in order.
Since arriving, Gertrud had studiously ignored the new sofa, even while we sat on it for our afternoon coffee. I knew that Gertrud's mind was, just like mine, set on a lust-filled celebration of our acquisition. With night approaching, it was time to put the kitchen-agenda aside. Stealing a kiss, I told Gertrud that I must go to the nearby bottle-shop for champagne. After all, our new bed needed to be properly launched.
When I returned, Gertrud waylaid me at the door with a hug and rather promising kiss. I looked over her shoulder. Our bed was all made-up, with fresh new sheets, pillows, and a doona. This was what Gertrud's big surprise packet had contained. Grinning, Gertrud scolded me for coming back too quickly: -
"I'm sorry, Alf. I wanted to be naked and waiting for you in our bed."
My attempted protest about her spending the money she cut short: -
"It's going to be our bed but remember, it will always be mine! If another hussy ever sleeps in it, I'll repossess our bed and murder her! ... That's the contract. ... Now pour the champagne, get into bed, and watch your stripper!"
The joint purchase of the bed and the passionate sexual celebration of taking possession of it during a long night was symbolic. It could be said that this bed and the use we put it to, were the foundations on which we built our future.
Seven months later, we married.
Only in retelling this story half a Century later have I realised anew what an exceptional woman Gertrud was. She had then, without hesitation, decided to be my partner. And our relationship had not started in a way that allowed the 'Love is Blind' explanation for her decision.
Persuaded by Ingeborg, Gertrud had had with me an opportunistic sexual fling. During it, she discovered, against expectations, her sensuality. I just happened to be the man she found it with.
However, Gertrud, with her life experience at twenty-five, was not a virginal teenager. It was unlikely that she would put sexual excitement with a man as the one priority ahead of all other considerations. Nor would she have believed, now that she had discovered that she liked sex, that I was the only male that could provide it. I was clearly not an Alpha male. Gertrud knew now what she liked and wanted, and could easily avoid sexually incompatible males like her ex-fiancés. Not only that. Strong-willed and sexually experienced, she would have found it easy, I believed, to convert a male with much better prospects than mine to her tastes.
However, Gertrud left me in no doubt that she wanted to be with me and nobody else. She knew what I could not offer her now, as well as knowing that my future-prospects were uncertain. Significantly, we were alike. She knew from her own experience of successfully completing her studies in London what effort was required for a student of our background.
Gertrud knew about having neither the time nor the means for anything else but her studies. Her four years away from home were not filled with fun, entertainment, and the irresponsibility of youthful indulgences. She never left the confines of London, nor did she enjoy what London could have offered to a fancy-free, attractive young woman like her.
Gertrud's character and past made her appreciate and accept the priority of my studying as a given. She was quite prepared to contribute much to our relationship that I should have customarily provided as the male partner. As far as she was concerned, circumstances required it. It was her choice to do so.
It is only in thinking about it now that I have realised the peculiarity in our relationship and how it began. Gertrud, as I have described, confronted me with her determination to be my partner as well as my lover. It was her decision alone and as such unconditional. For her, ours was to be from day one a future-building partnership. And it was, in fact, an open question if it was for her a justifiable gamble.
In contrast to Gertrud, I would not have taken the initiative in putting our relationship on a different basis than the temporary, almost illicit one that existed. What stopped me from seeking a permanent relationship with Gertrud was, primarily, a lack of self-confidence.
I thought that what I had, what I was, and what I could hope to be was not good enough to deserve a partner like Gertrud. With her job, the contacts it provided to eligible men, and her attractiveness she could do so much better than attaching herself to me. I admired what she had achieved and made of herself, and I desired and wanted her. But if she had not decided that I was the man for her and moved us so decisively into being partners, I could not have done so.
That Gertrud took so decisively the responsibility for our coming together, did not free me from feeling guilty about all the things I could not offer her. The commitment Gertrud had made in choosing me put me also under tremendous pressure not to disappoint.
As mentioned earlier, I had, partly out of ignorance, enrolled for the full four subjects required for the Leaving Certificate. I was, however, besides being newly married, in full-time employment. By some miracle and hard work, I passed. The qualification secured me a place on the Victorian Public Service professional list. With a secure income and a respectable career before me, it seemed that our married future was now on sound foundations.
And indeed, we could have settled down into a conventional marriage, in which the extraordinary day-by-day support that Gertrud had so willingly given was no longer needed. However, my success encouraged me to continue my studies. I enrolled to try gaining a full Matriculation.
If truth is told, doing this was an egotistical pursuit. It promised, at the outset, no discernible material benefit to our future. I had, at age sixteen, dropped out of school. Instead of matriculating and, perhaps, going to University, I learned a trade.
Now, I thought, I had the opportunity to make good that failure. I could study subjects that genuinely interested me. I knew it was, like a hobby, a selfish pursuit. However, Gertrud unselfishly approved. She continued to surrender the time my continuing studies took out of our married relationship. Was the long-term cost too high?
Again, against expectations, I completed my studies so successfully, that I secured a teaching-scholarship and admission to University. Gertrud continued her support. Nominally, I became a full-time student. Therefore, we should have had more time for each other. However, over the four years of studying, the scholarship was only a third of what I would have earned as a Public Servant. I sought, therefore, as much part-time work and additional income as I could secure. But in our shared view, Gertrud and not I continued to be the primary financial provider.
In summary, the first six years of our marriage were testing. Gertrud's support for what I was doing and wanted to do never wavered. It made her - hadn't she always been? - the dominant partner in our relationship. And I did not, could not allow myself to fail. I always felt that what I owed Gertrud could not be repaid.
Despite this - and not because our sexual attraction for each other had been lost - after twenty years together Gertrud and I divorced.
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