Carmen didn't go school or answered her phone. Texts kept piling in, missed calls by the dozens, most from Rachel. Her mother gave her space, as did Melody, for which she was thankful. Being around people was dangerous. She didn't know what thoughts might cross her mind and whether she'd act on them. For all she knew, going to school would incite another scene with Ashley. Or a random girl. And what about Rachel?
She couldn't face her like that. The words 'I love you' were hollow in her mouth now, even if she meant them just a few days ago. She needed control over herself first. After that, she'd return and make it up to Rachel in whatever way the redhead wanted. But progress was slow.
"This is pointless," Carmen said. On her laptop, pages upon pages of research into emotions remained opened, matched by guides on meditation and therapy, yet none of them served their purpose. Even now, she didn't dismiss them from disdain or frustration, but from logic; she hadn't improved in four days since trying everything, so it stood to reason they were false. At least for her.
Hovering forever at her side, Ryuka skimmed through them as well, "Yes, I don't understand these either."
"The most useful thing was that quiz on moral compasses." She'd done that on the first day, learning she lacked morality, though she understood what was right and wrong as defined by law. Her memories helped, though most seemed foolish in hindsight. All the times she wrote a name from anger were mistakes. Dakota was reasonable as a test, and Ashley provided her money, but Mary and Rachel's sister were ultimately pointless. What about Rachel? That was justified... right?
Carmen wanted a true reason, something that made sense and would hold up to any scrutiny, but the purpose was simple; she'd asked for it. Lust might've also played a part. It didn't seem right that something so basic had turned Rachel into a futa.
Yes, lust pervaded her thoughts more often by the day. When she woke, her cocks were hard, pussy sopping. Carmen dealt with them, but then by lunch they ached for another release, so she did so again, however just a few more hours and she was back to the start. The worst part was the sudden rush of feeling with every climax.
Not the pleasure or relaxed afterglow. It was emotions. A mixture of joy, frustration, disgust and fear, scrambling atop the other to be heard, shrieking from malformed faces to get her attention and be the first back in the light. It only took a minute for them to dissipate. No matter what Carmen tried, they only manifested during those moments.
"I have a theory," Ryuka said and floated over Carmen, massive breasts just above her face.
"Lust is what defines a Seikogami. It's practically our blood, our oxygen, it drives us onward to discover new depravities. You, however, don't feel it that way."
"I'm aroused multiple times a day. How is that not lust?"
"That's arousal, it's natural when you have three cocks and a pussy. I'm talking about desire, the want to learn, improve, to fuck someone, to be with them, feel their body and warmth as you drive your cocks inside, or take theirs in you. Even with me around, you've never expressed lust."
"But you can fix that with your powers, right?"
"Not quite. I just invoke arousal, a precursor to desire."
"You're not making much sense," Carmen said, waving her hand dismissively.
"Ugh, this is hard for me too. I've never had to rationalise this stuff before. Okay, you fucked Ashley last week, right?"
"Yes." Carmen still wondered at that decision. Why Ashley and not Rachel in the library? The redhead had been naked, recently affected by the Futa Note, and loved her. She made for the more obvious choice. In the days since, Carmen wasn't any closer to a satisfactory reason.
"That was lust. You saw her, got turned on, and wanted to fuck her. Plain and simple."
"What about Rachel? What about you? By all rights, you're both sexier than Ashley, not to mention my history with Rachel. So why don't I feel that for either of you?"
"Oh... huh," Ryuka frowned and scratched her head, "Perhaps the timing?"
"You don't know anything either," Carmen sighed and shut her eyes.
"You feel something when you cum, don't you?" Ryuka asked, suddenly right beside her, though Carmen didn't flinch, even at the breath on her ear.
"I'm going to make you cum now and keep you going for a while. Latch onto what you feel." As she spoke, Ryuka's hands went to the human's plethora of phalli, "I won't pretend to understand what you're going through. It's completely new to me, and I've lived way, way longer than you."
"How old are you anyway?" Carmen asked, while her cocks filled out. The veins throbbed against the goddess's hand, testing its grip.
"Oh, years started blending together around the fifth century. That's not important right now," Ryuka pressed her lips into Carmen's neck, kissing down toward her chest. She didn't wear anything when it could be helped, only putting something on when she needed to leave her room. Clothes didn't make sense when she needed release so often. She only needed them when it was cold.
And because she'd be arrested in public. Also to protect Melody's innocent eyes, she reminded herself of those factors.
"Tell me what turns you on. What makes your dicks hard?" Ryuka asked, now teasing a nipple with her tongue, fingers dancing across the trio of cocks.
"Your hand," Carmen said, nerves flaring with arousal, "Your mouth on my nipple."
"I'm not talking about that. What is it about Ashley that made you want to fuck her?" Ryuka bit into the nub, eliciting a sharp moan. She stroked the cocks now, rubbing the centre one with the other two, while lowering down and pressing her pillowy tits into them. Flares of sensation danced along her pricks wherever Ryuka's hand touched.
"I don't know."
"Come on," Ryuka breathed across the now moist tit and moved to the other, circling the areolae with her tongue, taunting the nipple, "The answer might be simpler than you think."
"It's hard to think with you, hmm, doing that," Carmen said as her balls throbbed against her moistening pussy.
"Don't think, don't speak. Just let whatever comes, come." Ryuka smirked at her words, but returned to her work, suckling in a huge mouthful of sensitive tit-flesh and forcing Carmen to arch against her. Pleasure burgeoned faster than before, everywhere that the Seikogami touched brimmed with energy, her cocks spewing pre-cum already. Orgasm wouldn't be long.
Under Ryuka's expert ministrations, Carmen moaned and tried thinking. The deity was correct that something about Ashley had stoked her lusts, but nothing came to mind. Was it the dick-nipples? The literal ocean of semen?
All her cocks pulsed in unison and spurted pre. It streaked across her stomach and spilled over Ryuka's hand, slickening her grip and allowing it to slide faster, squeezing upward to force more out. Every graze along her glans brought out another moan, prolonged by Ryuka sucking and tonguing her tits, switching between them every few seconds. When Carmen felt she'd adjusted, the moves changed, became fiercer and the air ripened with the scents of cocks and pussies.
Was Ryuka turned on by this? Her penis wasn't hard, but she was moaning too, the sounds deep and husky, more primal than Carmen's. Her own moans turned to gasps, hastening with the goddess's hands and tongue. She neared her orgasm, but not the answer to Ryuka's question. Staring down at the Seikogami, sultry crimson eyes gazing back at her over a mouthful of tit, brought her no closer. Those behemoth tits embraced her hips, their own teats squishing into her.
Ryuka was right. While she was aroused, on the verge of cumming, Carmen's thoughts never entertained the idea of fucking the Seikogami. So what was the point of this? Of masturbating at all? It gave her a glimpse of emotions and relieved the pressure in her balls, yet everything was temporary, none of it was an answer. Nothing would stop her from cumming, however.
A hand left her cocks to cup her balls and brush along the dampening folds of her cunt. Fingers massaged the lips, pushing and pulling them, and prodded her clit, before lingering at her entrance. They pushed a little, then further in response to Carmen's pitching moans. As they built to cries, pulse racing in tandem to Ryuka's constant strokes, her hips lanced up and boiling seed rose through each shaft. The first ropes splashed against Ryuka and onto Carmen, with many others following.
Clarity rammed into her the second she came. Carmen grabbed at the inhuman futa's face, bringing it up and kissing her deep. Fuck, Ryuka felt so good. She'd never feel this level of release without the deity, the least she could do was return the some fraction of it. Fuelled by the thought, she grabbed huge handfuls of Ryuka's tits, then pinched and pulled and twisted her nipples. Another rope of semen rushed out at the Seikogami's moan.
If she could just stay like this, then everything would be fine. Carmen was happy. The feel of a smile on her lips was there, not forced and empty like before. She could hold onto this feeling, then go back to Rachel and be normal. No, better than normal. Without Gretchen loitering in the shadows, no one who could ruin their lives... but there'd be something.
Her lips froze against Ryuka's. There'd always be someone or something, maybe not right away, but it'd come eventually. Maybe not from someone they knew, a random stranger could come along and ruin everything. Just like Gretchen had done. First there was Stacy, who lost her business just by Carmen's association with her. Then Rachel. Just being close to her, living for a couple months in happiness, had spurred Gretchen into almost getting her killed. People would ruin everything.
Then she just needed to make sure they couldn't. Carmen had the Futa Note back and the internet gave her access to almost everyone's name and face. It would take time, but she could write all their names, bring under her power. No one to ruin them.
But then what would that make her? A dictator? No, they didn't have absolute control over people. She wouldn't be human by then. What person took away freedom from seven billion others? Just considering it made her worse than Gretchen, she at least had simple goals; to enjoy herself and fuck with a few people. This was that on a worldwide scale.
All her friends said she was a good person. Good people didn't consider this stuff. She was awful. And when her orgasm ended and her emotions vanished again, then what would stop her from acting on such thoughts? Rachel wouldn't love her if she did that. None of her friends would either. But that wouldn't matter after she made them do it. What about her mother and sister? They'd be changed too. All for the sake of Carmen's pleasure, all so she could orgasm forever and feel something again.
Ryuka was looking at her, no longer moving, large eyes quivering with her lips parted in unspoken worry. Something moist trickled down Carmen's face and over her lips. It was salty. Tears? The orgasm had ended.
"Are you okay?" Ryuka asked.
"It's not going to work. I'll stop feeling anything soon. You can't keep me cumming forever, it's just not possible," her voice quivered at first, but levelled out the longer she spoke, "Even if it did, I'll do something horrible just to stay like that. I'd do anything."
"And that's okay..."
"No, it isn't! It's not right. It makes me dangerous. I have the Futa Note... I can't do this. I need to-to get away from it. Don't let me have it, whatever I say, don't give it to me." Carmen shoved Ryuka away and into a wall. The impact of her strength didn't register as she forced on the nearest clothes, those being a low-cut shirt and baggy sweatpants, packing more into a bag. She didn't know where she'd go, but it had to be away. The further and longer the better
Carmen didn't stop to register her mother's voice as she left, or the temptation to go back. A sickening tug on her mind worsened as she put more distance between her and the book. She pushed more, head jerking like something was hooked in her mouth, walking under a single directive; forward, until she found a bus and got on. It didn't matter where it went.
After a while, the agonising pull on her skull faded. She breathed a sigh and closed her eyes. Hopefully Ryuka would listen to her and keep the book away, or at least hide it, then even if Carmen turned around, she wouldn't have it.
I thought I helped you.
Her eyes burst open and shot around. The bus was mostly vacant, only a few passengers beside herself, and no one within six feet of her.
Didn't I help?
There it was again, like someone speaking into her ear, yet the voice resonated in her head. Carmen looked around again, then slouched back down. Her emotions were locked away once more. Experience told her this should inspire fear, concern or at least curiosity, but all were absent.
You are free. No more fear, no more sadness, no more Gretchen. All you need to do is enjoy yourself. I'll be there with you, guiding you toward pleasure. All you need to do is accept it and enjoy.
"You and Ryuka sound the same," Carmen said, "I understand, but nothing comes. So just shut up and let me think."
The voice stopped, but didn't make it any easier to think. Her thoughts circled around, knowing what needed to be done, yet contested by knowledge of what was correct. If she just used the book properly, all the worries, all the time wasted on thinking, they'd be gone. Why couldn't she just use it on herself and bring the emotion out that way? It made sense, yet a chill in the back of her mind argued it wouldn't. The rules were absolute.
Were they? Through an inexplicable situation, Carmen had become part of those rules.
Too much about the Futa Note remained a mystery. Even Ryuka didn't understand all its intricacies. The thing was alive after all, an existence beyond human or Seikogami comprehension. Carmen rubbed at her eye. Sleep had been difficult to come by, dreams waking her every couple hours, yet she forgot them in seconds. She leaned on the window. When was the last time she had a good night's rest?
The hiss of brakes jerked her awake. An imprint of her cheek was on the window and her neck ached from the poor angle. Little sunlight remained, painting the sky a myriad of fires, while tall buildings cast spindly shadows across the landscape. She didn't recognise any of them.
"End of the line, miss," the driver said as they pulled into a bus station.
"Where am I?" Carmen asked, but the driver either didn't hear or ignored her and left. By the acrid odours swirling around her, she was in a seedy area. She looked around, searching for any landmark she knew, and found one; her old apartment. She sat on a bench opposite the complex and ran her eyes across the rundown area. Awful as it was back there, things were easier. Work, work, work, work... No relationships or cunts like Gretchen after her.
It could all go back to that. Except all the work, that'd be replaced with sex or anything that pleasured her. She left the area, wanting to ignore such thoughts. Night took over before long as she dragged her feet. Getting back home would be simple, but she hesitated. Maybe something there would help her figure it out. Once she did that, she'd get Rachel back, see her friends, laugh and love and live.
"It can't be," Carmen muttered. She'd reached the street Stacy's coffee shop once was, the building had been renovated, built up and malformed. Once a place for coffee, relaxation and the warmest smile Carmen knew, now it was crowded by drunks and noise.
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts," Carmen muttered, "That might be it."
It'd be a new experience if nothing else. Maybe she'd find a woman to sleep with, or the alcohol might change something. Her body was different to others now, given what the Futa Note had done to her before and after Gretchen wrote her name. Everything she knew from studying human anatomy didn't apply to her anymore.
"Hold it." A gruff voice and hand stopped her from entering. They belonged to a butch woman, powerful biceps accentuated by tattoos following the muscles. Her pectorals brought out her breasts, challenging even Zoey in terms of musculature. Both of them in bed would make for an incredible night.
"Yes?" Carmen grinned, eyes roaming across the bouncer.
"I need to see some ID."
"Look at me. Do I look like I'm underage?" Carmen asked, using the chance to show off her figure. By that alone, she was more woman than almost anyone else, beside her crotch. Tits big enough for two hands each, with her clothes stretching ass ripe enough to get a real grip on. As expected, the bouncer's eyes devoured her, indecision in her gaze.
"Sorry, but no card, no entry."
A flicker of annoyance. Carmen stepped closer, leering down at the woman, "Then how about I..."
"There you are!"
Both looked to the door, where a stunning woman stood. They grabbed Carmen by the hand and led her inside, calling back over their shoulder, "She's with me, Madison!"
Like that, Carmen was in her first bar. The air reeked of smoke, a mixture of tobacco and marijuana with other odours she didn't want to know, and vibrated from the heavy music playing above the patrons shouts. Dim lights illuminated the room, blurred by all the smoke. It was packed tight, forcing her and the mystery woman to squeeze between surly drunks.
The woman led her to the counter and ordered something she didn't catch the name of, "I'm Wendy, by the way!"
"So," Wendy said and handed her a shot glass, "What brings a babe like you to a dump like this?"
It was difficult to hear clearly over the surrounding noise, but Carmen heard enough, the 'babe' comment in particular, "I just needed to get away."
"I get that. What was it? Family, lovers, drug dealers?"
"None of the above."
"Oh?" Wendy arched a brow and threw back her drink, face pinching before she gave a heavy gasp, grinning daringly at Carmen. She did the same and resisted her gag reflex; the flavours were awful and burned down her throat, like she'd vomited in reverse.
"It's me," Carmen said and looked at the empty glass, counting the seconds until she felt some form of inebriation. She'd never drunk before, and couldn't rely on media or her mother's experiences to guess how long it'd take.
Wendy kept guessing, but she never got it right. How could she? The issues plaguing Carmen were supernatural by nature, not something a human beside herself, Rachel or Gretchen ever dreamed of. Even those two wouldn't understand it.
"Fine, I give up. Hey! Another round over here! Gonna tell me what it is?" Wendy asked. Her voice, the confidence with which she asked question one after another, made clear that she had experience talking to people desperate enough to end up in a lower class bar.
"I don't feel anything," Carmen said and threw back the shot when it arrived. Still nothing. Just a refreshed burn in her gullet.
"Not your first time drinking?" Wendy chuckled.
"Not that. I mean I feel no emotion."
"Okay... I'll bite. What the fuck does that mean?"
Carmen looked around for something that would drive her point home, but there was nothing in reach, beyond stripping off. She didn't want to do that. With the type of crowd inside, chances were she'd get overwhelmed by drunks looking for a shot. Or attacked for her 'freakish' body.
She sighed, "It's literally what I said. I don't feel emotions."
"Bullshit. You had disgust all over your face when you took that shot," Wendy snickered, waving for another pair.
"It tasted bad. That's not opinion, just fact."